A friend in need . . .

“I saw my ex-boyfriend the other day. He told me how sorry he is about the way he treated me and says it won’t ever happen again,” Olivia said.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. I’ve heard this story so many times. In a few weeks, she’ll be telling me how excited she is that they are back together again. Everything will be great for a few months, then she’ll be calling me in tears because he got drunk again and said something horrible to her. She’ll put up with that for another few months. Then she’ll start agonizing over whether she should stay in the relationship and show him that she loves him in spite of his problems, or whether she should leave because staying only lets him think that he can treat her like garbage and she’ll always forgive him when he sobers up and apologizes. I’ll give her my best advice, and she’ll say, “You’re right, he probably won’t ever change, but I love him! How could I ever leave him when he needs me so much?”

The crazy thing is that Olivia is a highly intelligent woman. At 32, she is a Pediatrician with a well-established practice. She’s compassionate, funny and beautiful. There is no logical reason she should settle for a man that can’t figure out what a great thing he has and actually treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Still, there is something within her that makes her believe she can’t do better or maybe that she isn’t worthy of anything better.

So, what’s a friend to do? I’ve tried the direct approach. “Liv, honey, you’re boyfriend is an alcoholic. Don’t be an enabler!” I’ve tried the subtle approach. “He’s at the bar again? Does he work there now?” Neither method was successful, obviously, since she’s reconciling with him, again. I’ve come to the conclusion that she doesn’t really want to know what I think about the situation. She just wants someone to rejoice with her when things are good and someone to hold her while she cries when things are bad.

It’s so frustrating to watch someone I care for so deeply put herself into an abusive situation over and over again. My heart breaks each time she calls me in tears because he threw something at her when she asked him why he didn’t come home last night, or because he called her unforgivable names when she didn’t make his eggs the way he likes them. It breaks even more when she defends his behavior. There is a strong temptation to give up and decide that I just don’t need the drama she brings to my life. It’s too much work.

On the other hand, Olivia is my friend. We’ve known each other a long, long time. What kind of friend would I be if I dumped her because I’m tired of hearing about her problems, even if they are of her own making? She counts on me to be there when she needs me. I can’t let her down. Does that make me an enabler?

Maybe the best options lies somewhere between those two extremes. Maybe I can be an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on without letting myself be pulled in. Maybe I can be a rational voice in her irrational world. Maybe I can be there when she finally sees him for who he really is. Maybe I’m just not ready to give up on her yet.


Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!